Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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