My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
