dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
