help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
