The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
