Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
