Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My vagina just clenched in fear
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
