I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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