The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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