Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
