Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Are my feet made of real feet?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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