My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
