Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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