you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
