I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize