I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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