Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
