If that was your dad, he is hot
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
