my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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