Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
