If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
