i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize