I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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