just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
