I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
