We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize