first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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