And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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