Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
