Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
