i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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