What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
