If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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