so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
