I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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