i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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