saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
