it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
