im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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