i wish my penis had a tongue
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
