I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I need to calm my uterus...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
