oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
