In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
