I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
