when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
