This is not my ceiling
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
