Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude i'm inner monologue high
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
