theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
