Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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