I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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