If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
