why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
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