I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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