I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
