You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
