I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we're making bets on your personal life
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
