you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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