Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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